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Farewell, Tragic Agenda...Sort of Posted by: Menace on May.12.2006 - 10:52 pm EST | |
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Last night I wrote an entry so long, I couldn't believe I actually successfully proof read the entire thing without missing a hitch. I was pissed off and went on a tangent. But amazingly enough, it still makes sense. Not like those few entries I'll write drunk then wake up the next morning going, "Wtf, over?" Upon completing my masterpiece of theological discussion, I realized something. In the aspects of writing on the web...I'm not completely happy. In fact, I'm lost. When it comes to this website...I have truly lost my way. You see, now that I almost occasionally blog on myspace and write profusely on LJ, there really isn't much left for me to say on Tragic Agenda. The concept of this site originally revolved around the very title picked out for the whole thing. Thusly implying that my day to day operations were indeed of tragic origin. I mean c'mon--I surf around the world wide web constantly searching for material that will inexorably make me more intelligent and intrigued. Then I analyze the hell out of it. What kind of life is that? Well anyway, my life has sort of taken on new meaning. I'm not saying I'm too big for the net or anything like that. But one of the reasons I quit being a DJ was because of how consuming work was becoming. Some told me that I probably had time for a regular slot. If they only knew. I barely have time to email my own family anymore. I'm on here for a couple of days at a time at best. Sometime last week, TA went down for about three days. No one really seemed to notice...with the exception of the few people graced with the presence of real photos taken by yours truly which were linked to the server that runs this place. I had gotten warning after warning that something was wrong with my payment setup and that TA would more than likely take a dive unless I contacted the company and rectified the issue. At first, I didn't really know how to feel about that. On the one hand, I wouldn't really miss these blogs of mine at all. But on the other hand, I really have a strong need for the server that I'm paying for. Plus I love owning my own web filing cabinet online. So I reactivated the server...paid for a year in advance. And I'm keeping this place up. If for nothing else, a place to put files and to keep up a memorial of sorts. I'm not leaving the net forever. I'm not shutting down TA. However, when the time is right...I may decide to do something different with this place. But in closing I'd like to say...I enjoyed writing here even if no one hardly ever commented. For the ones that know where to find me...I'll always have something to write about. That's a promise. | |
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Photographic Memory Posted by: Menace on Mar.25.2006 - 6:09 am EST | |
So I sift through an online archive of a family legacy that goes back far beyond any of the stories my grandmother used to tell me as a kid in order to instill a lesson of sorts. Many of which send goosebumps down my spine because in this moment I realize just how small I really am. Yet I'm a part of something big. As is, now, the rest of my family. When you lay your eyes upon something as old as what's been posted up above, it probably doesn't mean much to any of you out there...other than the fact that this is a photograph of my uncle...the man who raised me most of my life. A photograph that's over half a century old. And I realized something today. This one photograph opened many doors of nostalgia and wonder I never really took the time to day dream about. Be that as it may, I'll do my best to articulate exactly what I'm trying to convey here. Have you ever looked...really looked at your own family legacy? Sat down and really stared at your family photo album your grandparents keep? Now I know some families don't keep photos as much as others do. I'm probably a very strange person for going in the direction I'm about to go with this, but it dawned on me as I was washing my hands and I looked into the mirror. I did sort of a self reflection thing to see if there was any part of the people who raised me still inside my facial features. Some would probably see it more clearly than myself. But then, I start to think about other similar idiosyncrasies I picked up over the years without even realizing it. For instance.. My uncle used to always wear those ripstop driver hats that you usually only see old people wear. Oddly enough, I went out and bought the same style hat but in black. That's only the tip of the iceberg. I remember sitting in the back of the car as a kid seeing my uncle's face in the rear view mirror. He always wore the hat and as far back as I can remember, always sported a neatly trimmed mustache. Last summer, this memory occurred to me as I was driving my kids back to Texas. I had the same style hat on and I could see them glancing back at me in the mirror. And for those of you who don't know....yes--I have a mustache also. The big kicker that really trips me out is when adults used to talk about the old days. As I was looking at pictures that were taken as far back as 1946, I imagine being in those times and how they had no color images yet. And how twenty years later, the houses still looked so classic...you could literally guess what decade it was just by looking. Even the clothes they wore back then would be impossible to find now. I wonder about what kinds of jobs my grandfather must have worked to make ends meet. And how the job that I'm doing now didn't exist yet. What happens when you flash forward circa 60 years? And again...another 40 or so before...I find myself talking about the old days to my grandkids. About a time when CDs didn't exist. And about a time when I could still remember being alive before the Playstation was invented. Or how about being able to say I was around when Mtv aired the very first music video? Imagine telling your children that you used to watch T.V. before there was a thing called Nickelodeon. My kids probably couldn't fathom life without the Internet or laptops or Mp3 players or wireless LAN or digicams. But I kid you not--none of these things were conceived (for mainstream purposes anyway) until well after I was born. So the term 'olden days' suddenly sent a chill down my spine. Because the moment as I was looking at that 1940-something photograph of my uncle, I realized how much history...how many inventions he must have seen in his life span. And how many inventions and history I've witnessed in my time. The evolution of time is a remarkable thing when you stop and think about it. It's easy to get lost in photographs of memories past. Especially really ancient ones.  | |
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Chasing Darcy Posted by: Menace on Mar.3.2006 - 12:29 pm EST | |
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Here's a story I've been meaning to tell people for a while. It's actually something I've wished I could tell people I know in real life....but they'd never understand. Sometimes, things just happen to someone that no one else in your everyday life would really understand. This incidence is one of those times. I'm downtown somewhere that resembles my hometown and British Columbia. The strangest thing about this scenario is that it's dark. At this point as I'm observing skaters skating through the alley and back ways of my downtown area, I'm wondering why I'm not at home chilling on the Internet instead of being out of my little hole of existence after light hours. But it matters not. For the most part, the strangeness has yet to take place. You see, in the midst of skaters and stoners anonymous and what have you, I meet this girl. She's as sweet as they come with red hair, emo glasses along with a rather average, yet eccentric, wardrobe. The attention to detail to such things remains irrelevant. What is important is that I knew her for what she actually was. Something beyond remarkable. Quite possibly the most remarkable thing about the whole encounter was the fact that while I knew her name, number, and birthday...she didn't even know my name. So I had to tell her...in such charismatic words. You know...being the overly dramatic fool that I am. I say, "There's two good things about you. The first thing is that you are remarkably beautiful." Then I pause for a moment. "And the other thing....is that you are finally meeting Menace face to face for the first time. And few people can actually say they've been able to do that." And it was at that moment I saw one of the biggest smiles on her I had ever seen. I was happy...because she was happy. It was as if a chapter of mystery and ambiguity had been concluded. My stealth had been unveiled off me and I had no regrets. The rest of the night was quite a haze indeed--pun intended. Perhaps we smoked some herb afterward. If I got that stoned, odds are I wouldn't remember. We could have painted the town red....her and I. Odds are we did. We had some of the best times together. Only thing I know for certain is...I slept better that night than I had ever slept all week. After a few minutes...I finally woke up. It was by far the best dream I've had all month. And I never even needed to get high to have it. I guess I'll probably never actually catch Darcy, but it sure is fun to dream, eh? | |
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Content vs. Happy Posted by: Menace on Feb.8.2006 - 3:57 am EST | |
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con·tent2 adj. 1. Desiring no more than what one has; satisfied. hap·py adj. hap·pi·er, hap·pi·est 1. Characterized by good luck; fortunate. 2. Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy. 3. Being especially well-adapted; felicitous Writing has become more paramount to me than ever these last few months. I'm in a place and point in my life where cathartic thoughts run through my mind more often than I'd like to admit. I'm approaching my next thought in a rather unusual manner by listing the concrete definitions of these two terms. The second one is thrown about much more frequently than the first. I get so flustered whenever someone says, "well at least he's happy" or "she's happily married" as if to use that term literally. Show me someone who's completely and utterly happy and I'll show you someone who's generally high on life. I could be so lucky. Don't get me wrong. I am by no means miserable in my current status in life. I didn't come upon my circumstances as a result of fucking up. It's just that lately certain things have come across my attention which need addressing. Right now....at this very moment in my life, I am content. And I say this because I realize that things could be better than they are. However, I am willing to accept what I have for now because I am expecting to never come anywhere close to perfection. To desire such things is fleeting really. Like trying to touch a star. You know you'll never reach it. Though why people continue to try is beyond me. The thing that makes me very different from other people is the fact that I'll admit this. I'll admit I'm not happy. I'm not happy because not everything is as it should be in life. Someone once told me if I didn't like the way something was that I should just change it. Problem was this little piece of advice came from a 16 year-old....someone who has yet to live life. Some have yet to realize that nothing in life is that simple. When you're a kid, you can change something you don't like if you're just playing pretend or if you want to trade that pudding for those bag of cheetos. The only real responsibility you have is answering to your parents' every whim. Suddenly this little thing called puberty creeps upon you...and things become complicated. You start to wonder where you're going in life. You wrestle with this concept to the point of self doubt. Next thing you know, you blink your eyes and you're 30. That's when you start to fall into all these paths of 'what ifs' and 'could have beens'. I actually went down one of these paths today as I was out and about on the town. I thought about what my life would have been like if I had opted to remain in a foreign country an additional year back when I was here the first time. I might not have met my wife. But then a friend of mine pointed out that perhaps I would have still met her, except that she wouldn't have had that horrible accident that crushed her leg a couple years later. The possibilities are endless and too frivolous to mention all here. I knew so many people back then, it's crazy whom I could have ended up with. I don't regret marrying my wife. I don't really regret my choice in profession either. I guess the thing I'm most displeased with are some of the sacrifices I needed to make just to keep my wife sane or the fact that I had to initially quit my job only to discover it was a bad idea in the first place. It would make more sense if you were there. Some sacrifices I made were necessary. Others were down right ridiculous. I suppose that's why today I made a decision not to indulge the ridiculous sacrifices again. To give you an idea, it's like killing a good friend just to keep your better half from walking away. To me, that's asking a lot. I don't get to say, "hey hun, could you do me the favor of just disowning your mother so we could live in peace? kthnx." I've always sorta had a difficult time explaining the difference between content and happy to people. I guess this is about as good as its going to get. People in fairy tales are happy as a pig in shit. I'm content. Like my grandparents that have been married for over half a century. So it can't be that bad, right? | |
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